Today I bought flowers


Today I bought myself flowers. One of the perks to living on top of a Trader Joe’s…beautiful flowers. I bought myself flowers for a few reasons. 1. I like pink flowers. 2. I got a pay check I wasn’t expecting and wanted to do something nice for me. 3. I would have been 38 weeks this week.

I think about it often. My due date. July 4. A patriotic baby for my solider husband. I loved that due date. I hoped he would, in fact, be born on his due date. July 4, 2017. But as that day creeps closer, I feel an empty sadness taking hold of me. I think about what would it have been like to give birth to a healthy baby boy. I think about how our every day life would have changed. I even had a dream the other night our baby was coming, I was in a panic and we had nothing prepared. No one threw us a baby shower, we had no crib. Only I woke up and remembered there was no baby to need all those things yet. Yet.

Its been 4 months. 4 months may not seem that long to most people. But, to me, waiting 4 months to start trying again was agony. My period didn’t come back until April, then my husband found out he would be in training Jan-mid Feb and did not want me to be in labor while he was gone. So 4 months. They seemed to drag on forever. Now it’s here. Now the wait is over for trying to conceive. I’m actually nervous and excited about it. There will have to be lots of tests done if we do get pregnant again and every pregnancy there after. Possibly IVF if we have another baby with Meckel Gruber. But, for now, we try and wait and see. Hopefully July 4 will be a day to remember our little boy lost, and also to celebrate a rainbow baby on the horizon? I’m hoping everything will turn out alright, but who knows. Just waiting on a little miracle. Thats all we can do for now.


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