Last night I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, read some of my book, cried a little and tossed and turned some more. I had taken yet another negative pregnancy test. With each test comes a wave of sorrow. As the clock was nearing 5:30am I thought about how, if I had given birth to a healthy baby, I would most like be up, feeding him, soothing him, and singing him back to sleep. I can see that. I can feel that. I want that.
Last week I was watching an episode of Friends while making dinner. It was the final season. The season where Monica and Chandler try to adopt a baby. Erica, played by Anna Faris, got the adoption file wrong, and Chandler pleads with her to give them a chance. He says “Monica already is a mother, she just doesn’t have a baby yet”.
I feel like there are so many women out there who feel this way. Infertility and miscarriage aren’t commonly and openly talked about especially on popular TV shows. Sex and the City touched on it in Charlottes’ story line, and I have never wanted to go back and watch something that I couldn’t relate to in my young 20s and now have a massive bond with in my 30s. It’s common! It happens, and women every day suffer from loss and infertility. Why hide it and cover it up. Why be quiet about it? Theres nothing to be ashamed of.
I have a child. He may not be in my arms, or sleeping near me, but I have a child. I have a son. I miss him every day and I think the what he could have been thoughts. I am a mother to my child in heaven and he has a mother who loves him.