When you’ve suffered a pregnancy loss, it’s hard to go back to your “normal” self right away. You go through the daily motions, speak to friends, go back to work, and eventually you start trying again. Then, maybe soon after, or a few months later you go to a friends baby shower and all the time thinking to yourself, “any month now, I could be next with a beautiful rainbow baby.” When you’ve been TTC for almost a year and you get to that baby shower your thoughts may be something along the lines of, “she got pregnant and she wasn’t even trying! When is it my turn!” I can almost see the TTC women with their faces green with envy.

Thats me though, green faced and hopeful, sad and happy all at the same time. I actually threw my sister-in-law a very nice, small baby shower right after Christmas, and I was fine. A little sad that my nephew and my son (now in heaven) wouldn’t be best buds, but I got through it.

It was the same sister-in-laws baby shower, thrown by her best friends from high school where I had my breakdown. It was a threefold I guess, a mixture of sadness, jealousy mixed with alcohol where it hit me. Hard. We lost our baby a year ago, and we’ve been trying since then, and nothing. Why can’t I get pregnant? Why is it so hard?

What really started the crying and heaving sobbing into my husbands arms (thank god it was a co-ed shower) was seeing a picture of my little brother as a baby, and thinking, “I never got to hold my son, and will never be able to take his picture.” Even though a year has passed, these thoughts still enter my mind. I cried and cried in an empty room, and when we got home, I cried some more.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. So many women I’m sure go through the baby shower breakdown. Its probably very common. What can we do to overcome this? I don’t want to alienate myself from friends and family, but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to handle. I love my pregnant friends and I’m so happy for them, but, I get very sad for the baby we lost, and are having such trouble trying to conceive. Hopefully, that day will come and for now I will grin and be happy when I can and quietly bow out when I am not up to it. Thats all I can do for now.

Follow: