As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned that I sometimes get so over heated in discussions that I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind, which isn’t always good. This may take place with my husband, in emails, and text conversations. But, when it comes to some aspects in my life, I need to think before I speak. I’m really trying to put this into use in my everyday life. When I don’t have a response to something in an overheated discussion, I shut down. But what about the simple things. The simplest questions or statements can cause a lot of pain to a woman who is suffering through child loss and/or infertility.
I wrote a post awhile back that there is one question you should never ask a couple of children bearing age, but I never posted it. Even if you think it will have no effect on them, it probably does. So here it is now. The one question you should never ask any couple of child bearing age… “When are you guys gonna start having kids?” or any form of that question. “You guys gonna have kids someday?” “You’re next!” “Why don’t you have any children yet?”
I tend to get this question a lot. Because we just moved to a new state, and we have been married for 3 years. When I get this question I simply answer with the truth. “We have a baby boy in heaven and have been trying unsuccessfully since.” Sorry not sorry. I’m very open with my loss, and my fertility issues. I have been since we lost our baby. But, for many women this question is heartbreaking. So many women are silent with their fertility struggles, and so many more with their miscarriage and pregnancy loss. If I told you I had 3 of my very good friends lose their pregnancies, you’d ask “which ones?” because you’d never know.
For women who are struggling with loss and infertility, these types of questions carry a lot of painful weight. Many of the more hyper aware woman will ask me, “Are you thinking of having kids soon?” or “Do you see children in the future”. “Yes we are”,” yes we do”. Discussion over.
This Christmas season is hitting me like a ton of bricks. Never did I think I’d see the end of 2017 without a baby in my arms or a baby in my womb. But alas, here we are and I have neither. I’m still positive, I still have hope, but on cycle 8 of trying, it gets a little maddening. I am a children photographer in my professional life, so when Thanksgiving was over and I was hit with the massive amounts of children portraits, doing their “my first Christmas” sessions, my heart sank. I would get back home and start crying. I had been good all year long. I had not let it affect me until this.
I’ve had some up and some downs this month. But the hardest of all is seeing all the mothers with their babies, getting ready for the holidays, and I am sitting in yet another sea of boxes, again on the move. I had some angry emails that broke my heart, and made me cry, but I’ve also gotten care packages from friends who are so sweet and kind who have also experienced loss. I’m upset about things, but I’m really working on letting the bulls*t go this year. I have so much to be thankful and grateful for. But, I sit here sad with the longing for my little boy, and the longing of a healthy pregnancy that is so awaited. To all my mothers out there also trying, have hope that 2018 will bring you your precious gifts of joy and to the question askers out there, be more aware when you choose your words. You never know who’s heart may be breaking that very moment.